How To Coach Your Kids
One of my favorite things about parenting is the opportunity to go beyond 'discipline' and into 'coaching' for them in the development of their lives. When children are young, almost all of the emphasis is on discipline.
Parents are responsible to train their children to obey, to show respect, to be responsible.
As our children grow, the role of a parent shifts from COMMANDER to COACH. Certaintly, there must still be some non-negociables that remain in place. There are rules that must be followed even for teens. All homes have to have some set of values that govern the entire family.
So what's involved in the coaching process?
#1 - LEARN TO ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS
Coaching involves bringing their values to the surface so that they can begin to sort through what they believe, what they value, and what the consequences are of specific decisions. So we have to ask:
What do you think is the right thing to do here?
If you make this choice, what will the consequences be?
What do you think is the wisest thing to do right now?
These are just a few of the questions that needed to be asked in the process of imparting and instilling a value system.
#2 - LEARN TO LISTEN TO WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO THEM
If the only time you coach them is when you are trying to get them to do what you want - they will see it for what it is CONTROL and MANIPULATION. But if you identify what is important to them, and then you work to help them get there - they will see you as valuable asset in in their decision making process.
#3 - CATCH THEM DOING THINGS RIGHT
One of the most powerful things you can do to reinforce values is to recognize and affirm progress. So often we provide correction only in moments of failure. But when there is success in attitude or wise choices, celebrate it big time.
#4 - HELP TO MEDIATE THEIR CONFLICTS
If there is more than one child in the home, there will most certainly be conflict. These conflicts can be viewed as annoyances that must be stopped. Or they can be viewed as opportunities to teach.
One of the biggest challenges we all face in life is conflict resolution.
So every conflict in the family is an opportunity to teach how to do conflict resolution properly. Help them listen to one another's point of view. Teach them to de-escalate their intensity. Explain what it means to effectively apologize.
Lead them to win-win solutions. Help them learn to forgive and receive forgiveness.
#5 - DISCUSS THEIR FUTURE DREAMS AND DECISIONS
Every so often, I will take one of my kids to lunch to talk about their future.
What do you feel God is calling you do do and be?
How can we together pay for your college education?
What are the qualities that you are looking for in a future spouse?
What are the qualities that you are looking for in your current choice of friends?
How is your walk with God?
What is God speaking to you about right now?
The final question that I will ask (and I started asking this one from the time that they were young): What can I do as your Dad to serve you better?
That question can be a loaded one. But it lets them know that I am interested in their advice, just as I want them to be interested in mine.